3 Tips for Postpartum (or soon to be) Moms…
Hey there! One of the things that bothers me the most about the experience of pregnancy and prepping for motherhood is that there is SO much focus on the baby and SO LITTLE focus on the mom and the life-changing journey she is about to embark on. I don’t think there is a “right” way to prepare for motherhood, nor is there a formula for avoiding the growing pains or struggle…but I do know that we (as a society) would serve new parents a hell of a lot better if we were did less talking about what motherhood is “supposed” to feel like/be like and focused more on the nuanced and complex experience that is becoming “mom.”
On that note, I’ve put together the top three things I wish new moms would consider, based on my own windy, beautiful, (and at many times) turbulent experience of being a mom and a mental health professional.
1.Recognize that you’ve started the most massive life transition you’ll ever embark on, and becoming a mother may not feel “natural” or “easy.” In this country, once the baby is born all the focus goes on the growth and development of the baby and (almost) none of it goes to the wellness and growth of the mother. This creates a problematic cycle where mom feels bad for admitting she’s struggling or asking for help, so she doesn’t, and then since the world doesn’t see her experience, they don’t value mothering as “work”- but instead something that’s just “natural.” Regardless of how the world has seen mothers, there is nothing “natural” about your entire life rapidly changing, or the fact that you’re now responsible 24/7 for the life of a living being with little support from your community.
2. Start conversations about equity in the home early, and learn to treat your home like the most important organization you’re a part of! As a therapist who specializes in working with women and mothers, and a mom myself, I am acutely aware of the fact that we often take on WAY more than our fair share of duties. Carrying the brunt of the load of parenting takes a toll on our mental health, leaving little time and space for mothers to care for their own needs. For this reason, it’s important that we make the invisible work of motherhood visible, by talking about the fact that all time is created equal, and invite our partners/significant others to fairly share the load. Nothing is ever going to be 50/50 when it comes to parenting (especially early on) but care tasks can and should be more evenly distributed. These days, I recommend this to all of my friends and clients; buy a copy of Fairplay (written by Eve Rodsky) or watch the Fairplay documentary, and consider using the system in your home- it's a game changer!
3. Get clear on your own values and lower the bar! In a world full of noise around what you “should '' do as a parent, and especially as a mother, it can be easy to feel lost. In the early season of motherhood, even small decisions like what formula to try, or whether or not to rock your baby to sleep can feel massively confusing and overwhelming. Taking some time to consider what your top values are (i.e. connection, creativity, health, freedom, etc) makes room for you to show up, for yourself and your family, in a way that feels more aligned with the person you are becoming. Another powerful part of getting clear on your values, personally and as a family, is that it allows you to lower the bar - to stop trying to please everyone except for yourself! There’s so much freedom in choosing your own motherhood narrative.
Lastly, if you and or a loved one are struggling in postpartum, motherhood, or in your partnership please reach out to our team at Bay Area Modern Therapy. We love supporting new moms, modern couples, and families trying to navigate life’s twists and turns!
